


seasick

by sunflower_8



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: And Therefore Drag My Readers With Me, Identity Issues, Minor Self Harm, Post-Canon, Seasick: Where I Can't Characterize My Favorite Character, Suicidal Thoughts, Why Do You Put Up With This, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:48:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23517172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sunflower_8/pseuds/sunflower_8
Summary: the sun is high in the sky. he wonders if he’s dying.he wouldn’t even care.(or, komaeda thinks about death)
Relationships: Hinata Hajime & Komaeda Nagito
Comments: 2
Kudos: 46





	seasick

it’s been a year since they escaped.

komaeda scratches his arm idly, staring out the window of the ship. it’s been a day since they got on the boat to the mainland, awaiting a future of who-knows-what.

probably not hope.

the sight of water gets boring after a while. it’s all the same, really. the only way he knows days aren’t blurring is the interaction he has with the others, knocking on his door and saving a seat for him at dinner. granted, it's not a lot of interaction overall. he’s not good company-- not in a self deprecating sense, even, he just fixates on oddly specific things and stays quiet.

he used to talk a lot.

at some point, that changed.

he doesn’t blame people for not wanting to interact with him. most people have taken to sharing rooms on deck, but he’s by himself. he’s fine with that-- he doesn’t have anyone close enough to share a bed with, so it all makes sense. but the problem he has with it all is that people interact with him in the first place.

he doesn’t think he’s a stepping stone for hope, anymore. he doesn’t think that matters. that should have been the first clue he’s at rock bottom; he really doesn’t care anymore. he isn’t going to lecture people for hanging out with him. he just wonders what the point is in caring about someone who has never cared back.

(if nanami was alive, she would have hung out with him.

and when you think about it, that puts everything into perspective.)

the boat rocks.

it’s not the feeling of the waves beneath his padded feet that make him feel seasick.

he thinks a lot about the land they’re going to. in the times where he isn’t planning, he thinks about who he is as a person. everything that made him undesirable, made him a horrible friend and person, was all built up after trauma. and now, he’s trying to let down his walls, to be normal.

no, he’s not _trying_ . he _is._ he doesn’t _want to._

and is it even letting down your walls if you're still lying?

and it’s all so terribly complicated. the only certainty he has in the monotonous days is the fact that he’ll never be the same.

the sun is high in the sky. he wonders if he’s dying.

he wouldn’t even care.

his diseases are cured. kamukura made sure of that, and it had _fascinated_ him back then, but that has died away. now, he doesn’t really miss the feeling of poison spreading through him, but he does wish he could die. he thinks that would be okay, knowing that he probably will, whether on this boat or the mainland. the world they’re returning to is ash, after all. 

if anybody is going to survive a world like that, it’s not going to be him.

he’s almost excited.

but he’s not, really. he doesn’t have _hope,_ so nothing excites him, enthuses him. he has nothing to cling to, nothing to trust when his life has proven that he can’t even trust himself. his luck is matched by hinata, his hope is gone, his diseases are all cured.

everyone on the ship would argue it’s the most pleasant komaeda has ever been.

komaeda would argue, then, that it’s the worst he’s ever felt.

he scratches his arm more as the boat rocks again. why is he still alive? what’s his reason? his chest swells with a lump of anxiety, and he suddenly can’t breathe. he’s not even shocked at his sudden panic, he just lets it consume him, lets tears appear in his eyes when he thought he was beyond crying, lets himself suffocate.

it… isn’t the worst way to die.

(everything circles to death, but that’s pretty much the only thing komaeda can cling to. he still doesn’t want to kill himself-- he needs his death to mean something more than a testament to his comparatively minimal pain-- but nobody can stop the habitual craving.)

he hears someone knock at his door and he turns away from the window briefly. “come in!” he shouts, smiling slightly when he sees it’s hinata.

“hey.” he smiles back, moving to stand beside komaeda. “how are you?”

a careful question.

_hinata’s going through worse._

he's overstepped in the past when it came to venting. he doesn't want to go back now.

“i’m good,” komaeda lies. “you?”

“eh.” he shrugs. komaeda doesn’t press. he’s not good with words. “i just came to ask if you wanted to hang out. me and the rest are trying to do an uno tournament. it’s not the same without you.” he states bluntly but softly. “if you aren’t feeling up to it we can do it later. it’s just for fun.”

komaeda smiles. his stomach hurts. “you don’t have to postpone it. tell them i’m tired.”

“are you?”

the boat rocks again. “more or less.”

“alright.” komaeda sighs subtly in relief. “do you want me to hang with you for a bit?”

“it’s fine.”

the water looks the same as ever.

“you sure?”

hinata would be pretty upset if komaeda died.

“yeah.”

even though the concept of hinata dead was appealing to komaeda back in the simulation.

“alright. i’ll leave now. let me know if you need anything.”

even though komaeda has done nothing to support hinata for all hinata has done to save his life.

“okay. bye.”

the boat rocks again as the door shuts. 

komaeda closes his eyes. the tears he doesn't feel like crying flow down his cheeks; he surrenders to the feeling, to the depression that has begun to overwhelm him. he surrenders to the fact that he doesn't know who he is, that he's a thousand versions of himself away from the person who could cope with trauma. he surrenders to the fact that he can't cope with the horrible if he can no longer cling to worse.

he surrenders and thinks about how he’s lost _everything_.

(but he’s too much of a coward to lose himself.)

**Author's Note:**

> i don't know what this is.


End file.
